The First Step to Getting Better at Conflict
“I just don’t do conflict very well. I never have. I would rather just avoid it all together.” I have heard this or similar statements hundreds of times. My answer to them is usually the same.
“You are not good at conflict because you don’t do conflict!”
No one becomes good at any activity without engaging in that activity. Conflict is no different.
Step 1: Do Conflict
Personalities and Conflict
Yes. Certain personality types are more comfortable in conflict. Some people call them Lions or the DISC system calls them High D’s. Others are more likely to avoid conflict and give in. These people may be called Retrievers or High S’s.
But these terms describe our personalities not our destinies. For the majority of people our personalities don’t change much. But, our behaviors can change and should change.
Our personalities should not be used as an excuse to behave poorly or avoid growing.
If I am a person who instinctively engages in conflict, I need to work on not being overbearing and harsh in conflict. If I am a person who instinctively avoids conflict I need to train myself to be more assertive.
If I ever want to get better at conflict, I must start doing conflict!
Fear and Conflict
For many people, fear prevents us from engaging others in conflict. We are so anxious about what might happen, we do nothing and stay quiet. The possibility of a bad reaction from others will keep us from speaking up, even if we know that saying something is the right thing to do.
As I have said in other blogs, fear and pride are often the root cause of our failures in character. History is full of stories about good people staying quiet while others engage in evil, immoral or illegal activities. We may not face those situations everyday, but we will have to face our fears and make tough choices sooner or later.
To prepare ourselves for those tough choices, we must practice facing our fears in smaller choices. There is only one way to overcome our fears and that is to face them. We must engage others in conflict when it is necessary.
“Do the thing you are afraid to do and the death of fear is certain.”
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
To read more about fear and pride, click on the following blog title:
The Root Cause of Bad Leadership
The Bottom Line:
The only way any of us will get good at conflict is by doing conflict! We must overcome our personalities and/or our fears and begin to engage in something we are uncomfortable doing.
We did not learn to write our name, or read a book without actually doing those things. We have to begin practicing the things we need to get better at doing.
If I am someone who avoids conflict and usually just submits to the will of others, I need to begin a new habit. I need to make a new choice, no matter how uncomfortable it may make me.
Growth does not occur when we are comfortable.
If you want to accomplish something you have never accomplished before, you have to start by doing things you have never done before. For some of us, that may be engaging in conflict.
To read about productive conflict, click on the following blog title:
Productive Conflict – What’s Your Angle?
Question:
What causes you to avoid conflict with others?
I like the post.
Conflict doesn’t have to be CONFLICT. Sometimes people get scared off by the term itself. If we thought of it as something like “having a conversation to discuss our differing views” maybe that could help.
A true conversation of course involves “listening with your ears, not your mouth” and not just “waiting to speak”.
The more planning you do before the conversation the easier it will become. The more conversations you have the more skillful you will become until you are recognized as being someone who handles “conflict” well.
Alec,
I agree. Some people just hear the word and get anxious. Conflict, Confrontation or whatever word we use – the issues are the same. I like to call it courageous communication. It takes courage to do it.