When Is It Right To Quit The Fight?
It was a good old knock down, drag out fight. We had chosen our sides and were all vehemently sure of our positions.
In Patrick Lencioni’s The Five Dysfunctions of a Team, he expends 20% of his thesis on the need for healthy conflict on a team. He says, and I believe, that without conflict it is highly unlikely a team is making the best decisions for an organization.
If this is true then by Lencioni’s scorecard, this was going to be a FANTASTIC decision! But, in the midst of it all, I quietly raised my hand and gave in. It was right to give up this fight.
Why am I still fighting?
Why Was I Fighting?
I look back at most of my arguments in the business setting and realize I took them too far. The same thing happened just this week at home as well. I took the argument too far. I tend to keep a fight alive in order to win.
That was my problem. I was fighting to win. I wanted to get my way. I was willing to prolong everyone’s pain and keep arguing until I won!
How many of you have done that or been on the receiving end of someone like me? When the goal is to win, we all lose.
That last sentence sounds like something only a loser would say….(I heard you thinking that!)
When Should I Give In?
Don’t get me wrong. I would NEVER GIVE IN if we are talking about a moral or ethical decision. I have done that in my past and felt weak and small doing it.
NEVER GIVE UP ON A FIGHT FOR YOUR CHARACTER.
But, there is a time to give up the other fights. These are fights over differing opinions and strategies. These are not moral or ethical battles. They are differences in approaches.
I still do not give in easily, but I do believe there is a time to give in. If my goal is to get my way, then I should give in. If I have voiced my opinion, and I did not sway others to my way of thinking, then it is time to work for a compromise or give in.
My goal must be to find the best solution possible, not just to get my solution implemented.
When Everyone’s Goal Is To Win
- Productivity slows – When everyone wants their own way, our stubbornness makes arguments last longer.
- Distrust grows – When people think I won’t give in until I get my way, they lose trust in me and my motives.
- Anger flows – When people argue out of pride instead of arguing the issues, the arguments often get personal.
When Everyone’s Goal Is The Same
When all parties involved in a conflict work towards the best solution, progress happens.
When we all know that the other person ultimately wants the best solution, we trust their motives. Trust is essential for healthy conflict. Without trust, most people should not and can not engage in HEALTHY solution-oriented conflict.
The Bottom Line:
Conflict over strategies and opinions at work or at home can strengthen a team or tear it apart. When we all have the same goal – finding the best solution – then conflicts tend to build a team up.
This week at home, I was mad and I wanted to win. When I realized my motive, I knew that motive was likely to hurt my team (Me and Elizabeth).
We had a difference in opinion, and I did not need to win. We needed a solution. By putting aside my pride and giving in, we were able to find a solution that worked.
I need to remember that lesson at work and at home more often. It is right to give up the fight when:
- I have shared my opinion.
- I have not swayed the other person.
- I am not giving in to a poor moral or ethical decision.
- I know we are both working for what is best for the team.
Similar blogs:
Four Leadership Lessons From 20 Years of Marriage
Courage: Confrontation Can Heal Wounds
Question:
When do you hang on too long in a fight?
Dave,
Good article…and I agree with your biggest point: fighting to fight or just to “win” is a losing proposition. I’m reminded of the quote from the ever-philosophic movie “White Men Can’t Jump” where Gloria tells Billy “…sometimes when you win, you really lose…” Too often we translate losing a fight or argument to failing, and many of us were trained/raised that failing is not an option, without respect for the boundaries, scale, or context of the “failure.” Sometimes you have to keep the peace. Sometimes you have to live to fight another day. Sometimes you are right but have to let nature play its course. Sometimes you are actually wrong.
I will say, though, if you are in a situation where the team goal is truly to “find the best solution possible,” then your four criteria for conceding can lead to a very expensive lesson. Just because you haven’t swayed the other party and they have great motives does not mean you should necessarily allow an inferior solution to be implemented. It doesn’t necessarily mean you should go toe-to-toe either. But to bring in a third party/superior opinion or use a truly objective decision-making process (the Army’s infamous MDMP [http://www.part-time-commander.com/military-decision-making-process/] for example) may be the right thing to do. I believe you had another article that talked about “the time to discuss/argue/fight is before the decision is made.” If the decision is not going to be made until you concede, you have to take context, scope, and cost into consideration before keeping the peace.
NTTG!
Ray
Ray,
Great points. When the decision has not been made is the time for productive debate. After the decision is made, it is time to do everything you can to help the decision that was made succeed. (Even if it was not the one I was fighting for.)