Coachability: A Window To Character
I spend a lot of time in the bleachers at my kids sporting events. I love it. I am a gym rat who loves to watch both practice and games. It is one of my favorite things from my childhood that I did with my dad, The Master of The Sword at West Point.
Sometimes as I sit in the bleachers, I witness something that makes my blood boil. I witness a kid dismiss a coach’s advice. They give the coach that “whatever” look or in some cases even verbalize their bad attitude.
I want to jump out of the stands and shake them. I want to say, “Who are you to question someone who played the game you’re playing and has been teaching the game to hundred’s before you!”
What arrogance! What stupidity! It’s just dumb kids though right? Unfortunately, I have seen the same attitude in adults at work, in ministry, and in other areas of life.
Coachability
The willingness and the ability to be coached by someone else is an important indicator of someone’s character. Whether someone is coming in at an entry level or at a higher leadership level in an organization, I believe someone’s ability to accept and grow from criticism is a key indicator of their character.
In past blogs, I have defined character as: Our habitual way of operating. Our character is made up of our habits. HOW we are regularly, is WHO we are.
HOW someone accepts coaching tells us something about WHO they are. I submit that if someone habitually reacts poorly to coaching, I am dealing with a deep-seated pride issue.
Pride issues usually manifest themselves in arrogance or low self-esteem. They are opposite sides of the same coin. Both sides distort a person’s perception of reality and their ability to accept coaching.
Arrogance:
When a person’s pride stems from arrogance, I have seen it displayed in several ways:
- Indifference: Their attitude communicates that they don’t care.
- Anger: Their reaction to even the most well-intentioned criticism is to fight back.
- Subversion: They spend time trying to get others to see their way is best and undermine the feedback of the coach.
No matter how it appears, a leader must address the behaviors head on. I ran into this enough times in my time in the corporate world to know that when the arrogance of an individual prevents them from being coached, I had to act.
These conversations could be heated. But, I knew after pointing out the actions and attitudes of the offending party, it was on their shoulders to change. If they were unwilling to change, I would ask them to leave the organization.
Low Self Esteem:
A person with low self-esteem has pride issues as well. In this case, a person is unwilling to be coached because of fear. They believe that being shown they are wrong, means they have less worth.
This could stem from their childhood self esteem issues or events in their adult lives. I am not going to diagnose why people have these self-esteem issues here. But, if low self-esteem is the reason someone won’t be coached, it must be addressed by the leader.
How To Coach Coachability
- Meet Privately: Most admonishments should be handled in private. I’ve found people more willing to set aside their pride, in a one on one confrontation.
- Come Prepared: I make a list of situations where coaching was offered and the objective results of their resistance to the coaching. (i.e. continued low sales, high turnover of employees under them…)
- Share Perceptions: I take time to point out how they are perceived by me and by others as a result of their lack of coachability.
- Give Perspective: My approach usually includes the facts that professional athletes all have coaches. They all need and utilize the outside point of view of an experienced coach to help them continue to grow.
Avoiding Coachability Issues
It may sound too simplistic. Do not hire people who are not coachable.
Even for a CEO position, coachability is critical. One person, no matter their success in the past, does not have all the answers. If a CEO is unwilling to hear the coaching of board members or even subordinates, hiring them is a mistake.
Someone with a high level of skill but the unwillingness to be coached will bring down a team. I’ve seen it in professional sports, on my kids’ sports teams and at work.
Ask these questions when hiring:
- Question: Tell me about a time your boss surprised you with some negative feedback on your performance.
- Question: Tell me about a time when your team spoke up against a strategy you had developed for them to implement.
Whether hiring for the front lines or for leadership, these two questions give me insight into the character of the person I am hiring.
How did they respond to the feedback? Did they adapt?
Or do they spend their time telling you how unfair the feedback was? Do they rationalize away the feedback and refuse to own it?
The Bottom Line:
Someone’s ability to receive coaching and make changes as a result of feedback illuminates their character. Are they humble enough to change or do they have pride issues that will prevent them from growing.
I must consistently ask myself am I coachable. When I get feedback from my boss, my peers, my employees, or my family what is my first reaction? Do I think of all the ways they are wrong or the ways the feedback is unfair? Or do I look for the truth in their words and decide to adapt?
Question:
When athletes aren’t coachable most of us find that unacceptable. Why do we often find ourselves acting like a petulant youth or professional athlete?
Very interesting article.
Just two days ago, I was discussing the issue of coaching with a pediatric neurologist who wanted to recruit a radiologist for his hospital. He is on the interview board and was wondering if any candidate will be able to identify the complex cases he deals with. I told him it is the issue of whether the radiologist can be coached into this subspecialty rather than baseline knowledge as he has enough clinical material to help anyone who is interested gain valuable experience. You have put the points very beautifully and I have forwarded this post to him.
Will see how his new mentee develops in the coming months using the points you have written about.
A question-How does this apply in family situations, with spouse, children? Have you any experiences which you can share?
First, as a dad and a husband I had better be coachable. Do I fight back when my wife points out a flaw or do I humbly consider what she says and adapt?
With children I go back to my post: Leaders of Character- West Point’s Way. We must teach our kids to be coachable. Talk about it as an important value. Discuss it when we see someone who lacks coachability in sports or other areas of life. Point out the great athletes who have coaches and rely on them. Praise your children when they are coachable, and correct them when they are not. Help them form the habit and point out the humility shown is a virtue.
For a spouse it may be best to agree it is a goal to teach this to the kids. There is an old saying that to truly learn something, you need to teach it. I have been humbled too many times when I realize that I am not living up to the standards I am setting for my kids. This may work for both a husband and a wife.
I think teachability is something we learn. It’s easy to fall into ruts and grooves. Edward de Bono does a great job of teaching thinking skills and how to be curious and how to explore ideas.
I think that’s the key. We don’t necessarily get taught how to ask better questions or how to frame our thinking in school.
It’s a powerful thing when you have a technique that is easy to share. For example, one of de Bono’s thinking techniques is PMI. It stands for Plus Points, Minus Points, and Interesting. In any situation or any decision or any point to ponder, you can ask yourself what are the positive points, what are the minus points, and what’s interesting about that. It naturally creates a “beginner’s mind” and a learning mindset.
That’s just one simple technique. Michael Michalko, a former Disney Imagineer, has an extensive catalog of thinking techniques, in his Thinker Toys, book.
I think the movie that reall hit home for me was “Peaceful Warrior.” (Yeah, it’s based on the book.) The phrase in the movie that stood out for me was, “Put your bags down.” Be able to see a situation with a fresh perspective. There is a classic scene in the movie too where the main character learns how to look with wonder and anticipation again … as if a child on Christmas morning.
Wow. Great references you shared! That is the key isn’t it. To approach all of life in a childlike manner. As a child we were curious and unafraid to skin our knees. We were happiest when we found something new or a new way of doing things.
Great thoughts JD!