Communication: To Speak or To Be Heard?
If I just want to speak then no thought is needed. I can just let her rip! If I want to be heard, then I must pay attention to what words I say and how I present them.
I was reading an article on communication recently. The article gave me some good tips for changing my style to meet the needs of my audience.
In the comments section, another reader felt that changing his style was a cop out. He described himself as someone who did not hold back. As a result, people saw him as too aggressive or even caustic.
Goal: To Speak or To Be Heard
He knew he was chasing people away. Though his audience was dwindling, he vowed to press on with his way of communication. He believed that he would lose who he was by changing his delivery.
Is my goal to just speak or to really be heard?
I do not know anything about the person who wrote those comments. But, I have encountered someone like that in my past. I actually know more than one.
The bottom line for them was saying what they wanted to say. It had nothing to do with actually having impact. If other people didn’t like what they had to say then too bad for them! It was self-centered speaking.
I’ve confronted two peers on their unyielding communication style. The first one, Bob, spoke over the top of me and without listening to a word I said. He believed he was right and other people would eventually figure out he was right.
Bob never changed his bombastic style. As a result, his peers and his team pulled away from him and left him on an island. He still spoke a lot, but no one listened. Eyes rolled and people looked down at their feet when he spoke.
Bob has moved on to other companies. Rumor has it, he has not changed and neither has his impact.
On the second occasion, I confronted a young, talented manager named Steve about his style. Steve’s first response was prideful. He was indignant just like Bob. But, when I asked him, “Is your goal to just speak or to be heard?” I made impact.
He gave me the opportunity to share with him what he sounded like to others. I offered some advice that he readily accepted. Steve wanted to be heard by others and have impact.
Over time, I watched Steve’s influence grow among his peers and among the leaders above him. He became a trusted voice that others counted on. The difference between Steve and Bob was Steve’s goal was to be heard.
The Bottom Line:
Communication is an audience-centered sport. The goal of real communication is to be heard. If I am heard, I have the opportunity to make an impact.
If my goal is to just speak, then I should not be surprised that what I say falls on deaf ears.
If this is my standard mode of operation, I probably should not be surprised that I have very little impact, no matter how good my point is.
Question:
What is your goal when you communicate in meetings, with peers, or with your spouse?
thanks this
I work with a very similar leader to Bob. She has been a leader for 25+ years and although her workers follow her; her peers are not interested in what she has to say.
How would I approach her. What did you say to Bob / Steve to start the conversation?
Mary,
I approached both people when our stress levels were low. Lots of people, especially of Bob’s variety, have a hard time hearing in the middle of a conflict. I did it separately after business hours and outside the work environment.
The number one thing was to make them know my motive was to help them have more impact and thus be heard by others. It was not about me getting things off my chest. I also prepared my examples ahead of time and worked hard to listen to his point of view. But I always made it about helping him get better.