Courage: Confrontation Can Heal Wounds
As a parent, I always want to clean and bandage a cut on my children to avoid infection and promote quick healing. I know wounds left to themselves can cause serious problems to the health of my children.
Issues at work, within a friendship or at home that are left alone can be dangerous as well. But if that is the case, why do I avoid attending to these wounds? It is because I do not see confrontation as part of healing. But, confrontation done well can heal wounds!
Healing
Some people hear the word confrontation and they immediately feel uncomfortable. Some how confrontation has come to hold only a negative connotation for many people.
As a result, companies, charities, churches and even families avoid dealing with issues that need to be addressed. Wounds continue to fester and can in fact poison the whole body.
Why don’t we like the term confrontation?
Fear:
Fear is the limiting factor in a lot of situations where confrontation is called for. The fear inside of me overwhelms my desire to do the right thing or to fix something I damaged.
As a result, I procrastinate and hope the issue will go away – though it rarely does. This was my habit in the past until two things my dad used to tell me began to sink in:
- “Everything is hard before it gets easy.”
- “Bad news doesn’t get any better with age.”
The sooner I handle an issue, the sooner healing begins. Once a wound festers and poisons the system, the longer the healing process and the higher the likelihood of scarring.
Pride:
Some people let their pride get in the way of finding a solution to the issues they face. Pride often causes the initial problem. It is also the reason the problem persists.
- “I might have to admit I am wrong.”
It takes humility to admit I am wrong. A sad but startling truth is that many of us are terrible at this. I taught Sunday school for high school boys for a number of years. I once asked the boys in their class if they had ever heard a parent say they were wrong or ask for forgiveness. Only one boy raised his hand. I believe that statistic is worse at work than it is at home. Sad.
- “I might lose”:
What’s my goal? That is the question involved when I am debating confronting someone. I am competitive and I like to win. But isn’t finding a resolution the goal? Who really wins if the other person no longer wants to work with me again as a result of my “win”?
Change term from Confrontation to Courageous Communication
Let’s look at confrontation differently. Let’s call it Courageous Communication. That puts a much more positive spin on something that is inherently a positive thing.
- Courageous communication is initiated for the right reasons.
The reasons for courageous communication are the healing, repair and long-term health of the company, charities, friendship or the family.
- Courageous communication is initiated in the proper setting at the proper time.
Difficult conversations should be held in private, after emotions fade, but within a reasonable timeframe.
The Bottom Line:
Whether I choose to call it confrontation or courageous communication, it must happen to protect the health of the parties involved and their relationships.
But who goes first?
In Matthew 5 and Matthew 18 Jesus addresses two reasons for confrontation:
If you offend them: Matthew 5
- “Be reconciled to your brother….
It they offend you: Matthew 18
- “go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone.”
In both cases I am the one to make the first move. That just eliminated my last excuse for avoiding confrontation: “I’m going to wait for them to make the first move.”
Question:
Who do you need to exercise courageous communication with in order to begin the healing process?
I really like the new wording. It requires courage and effective communication to successfully bring about restoration and healing when addressing a problem/issue with someone. Great post and points.
Dan,
Thanks for the encouragement. When we realize it is courage that is holding us back, many more people will start acting courageously.
Dave
Dave, great thoughts. Creating an environment where courageous conversations are encouraged is a sign of a healthy environment.
In terms of having to admit I am wrong: very early in our marriage my wife and I agreed to never use the words ‘I’m sorry’. I’m sorry is a cop-out. One can be sorry they said something b/c it has turned out wrong. Instead, we use the words ‘will you forgive me?’ When these words are said and forgiveness is granted, healing is almost complete. I have been amazed when I have asked for forgiveness from colleagues, after they are shocked and then grant me forgiveness the relationship is restored; it is magical.
Another great thing about asking for forgiveness is that it requires a response from the other party. Therefore, the issue can be put to bed because the other person offers the forgiveness in response.
I greatly appreciate this. I’ve been blessed to have people in my personal life with this strength. It is huge. I wrote an article recently relating to this.
http://www.infobarrel.com/How_to_Prepare_For_Challenging_Conversations
RC,
There is truth in your words. Prayer before confrontation has been an important part of my successful conversations and has been missing when thing did not go well.