I Know Your Motives!
I know why you said what you said! I know why you did what you did! I am able to diagnose your motives. Because I believe I know your motives, I am sure you are the problem and not something else–like me!
These are all lies. But, they are lies that we easily fall into. I’ve done it. I have been sure of someone’s motives. Have I ever been right? Maybe.
I Know Your Motives!
To be honest, I can’t be sure because when I do ascribe motives to other people, I don’t usually try to find out if I am right or not. I assume I am right and then gripe about the results.
The Truth
The truth is, very few of us are discerning enough to understand why other people do or say what they do. How can I be so sure? Experience.
We have all had others believe we had one motive when in fact we had another. If you are like me, you may feel unfairly judged and surprised they could believe that about you.
But, then we turn around and do the exact same thing. I know I am usually wrong about other people because I can be wrong about my wife.
We have been married for 20 years, and I still get it wrong! If I am wrong about the woman God placed me with 2 decades ago, then I am sure I am wrong more often with people I’ve known only a few years at work!
Human Nature
Think about this. Why do most of us automatically believe someone else’s motives are negative? We think they are trying to hurt us or just help themselves.
It’s our sinful human nature to always believe others are working against us. If most people are wrong about me, then doesn’t stand to reason I am usually wrong about them?
The Results
When I believe I know your motives and I usually believe they are negative, we will never build a strong relationship. Distrust and negativity will permeate all that we do.
Does this sound like anybody’s workplace? I pray this is not what your home life is like.
Stop The Insanity!
I must stop believing in my infallible discernment so much and start believing in other people. Some call this naïve. I am not naïve. But, I tend to find it easy to trust people.
I understand. Trusting may be hard for some people because of past experiences. If you cannot start with trusting, then at least start distrusting yourself as much as you distrust others.
Distrust your ability to read minds. Distrust your ability to know what is going on inside someone’s heart. We’ve all been wrong enough times to at least do that.
Instead of assuming I am right, I have learned to ask for more information:
- What’s your thought processes here?
- How is this going to help?
- Help me understand.
- What don’t I know?
The Bottom Line:
If people who work together begin with the assumption that their teammates have good motives, a lot of conflict could be avoided. Even if the other person makes a bone-headed decision, make the decision to believe they made that decision for the right motives.
When people start from a positive perspective, they can start on problem-solving immediately. On the other hand, if they start by assuming another person had selfish or harmful motives, they may never get to problem-solving.
Distrust slows down everything. Trust allows for quicker action and quicker resolution of issues. Trust also improves my life and the lives of everyone I encounter.
I bet some of you think you know why I wrote this blog, or why I am publishing it today. But do you really?
Question:
When have others misdiagnosed your motives? Have you ever done the same?
Many smiles at this very interesting post Dave.
I work in a multicultural, multinational setting where ascribing motives to different actions is very common, and there was/is an atmosphere of mistrust.
However, when one tries to work as being part of a system/team rather than being an outsider, the dynamics changes.
However the mistrust between different administrative and technical departments continues, especially between finance managers who are seen as back-end persons controlling the purse strings and medical-technical persons who face the patients.
Their being of different nationalities does not help either.
Asking this question- Each person of the team has an individual personality, but what is the personality or identity of the group- has helped draw focus of disparate elements who are pulling and pushing in different directions.
We are not perfect, but we are trying.
This also applies to families, where intergenerational and intragenerational pulls and pressures are common. Recently I had a vigorous debate with my 13 year son on whether an I-pad is really necessary for us when we have two lap-tops.
They thought my motives are not good and I am deliberately promising and not giving. But when two technical support persons in different outlets re-confirmed that a proper computer gives many feature which these sleek tablets do not, at least my motives were not brought into question..though the debate continues as the peer pressure on my son is immense.
Again..trying to find the group identity/personality helps in building perspective.
Happy New Year Dave
Regards
Prashant
Mistrust is often fostered through poor communication. You definitely have interesting dynamics you are dealing with at work and at home.
I always believe that when I am in doubt, I need to over communicate with others. Trust can only be developed through effective and frequent communication.