“Troy.  Believe it or not, I am glad we got snowed-in tonight in Buffalo.  I’ve really enjoyed getting to know you better.”

“Me too, Rick.  When I called my wife and said I was trapped in Buffalo with the boss, I was only half kidding.  This has been great.  Now it’s going to be even harder to tell you I am quitting.”

The Distant Leader is an OxyMORONic Leader

“What?  Why?  Is your wife unhappy with your work hours?  We can modify those.”

“Rick.  No offense.  But, what’s my wife’s name?”

Silence.

A Long Night At The Buffalo Airport

As Troy and Rick settled in for a long night in the airport bar, Rick decided he no longer had a reason to hold back with Troy.  He was quitting.  He also felt bad for his new friend.  It was obvious Troy had no clue he was the problem.

“My wife, Sarah is not why I am leaving.  I want to go to work and not just be another cog in the wheel.  I am going to a family run company that has a much better culture. ”

“Troy, you have been with us for 15 years.   I became the Regional Director five years ago, and we have done great together.  I’ve always fought to get you good raises and the stock options you deserved.

Plus, I leave you and the other department heads alone so you can have the autonomy to lead your teams as you want.  Good pay, stock options and autonomy!  What’s not to like?”

“You Rick!  Until tonight.”

“Ouch!  If I wasn’t trying to convince you not to leave, I’d fire you right now.”

“Look. I have never seen THIS Troy before.  None of the over 90 people in our region have seen you like this.  Nobody knows that you are actually a decent guy.

In fact, no one even knows you went to University of Arkansas, you are about to be a granddad, or that you love watching college baseball.  I found those things out in the last 3 hours. Now I know you’re half way normal!”

Give Them A Glimpse

“Wow Troy.  One beer can bring out your sarcastic side.  So you’re saying you would stay if I publish my memoirs and write one of those stupid blogs about my weekends?”

“I’m not telling you to lay out your life for public scrutiny.  I’m just saying that if people don’t know anything about you outside of work, whatever impression you leave at work will be who they think you are.”

“Who am I at work then?  Let me rephrase that. I don’t think I can handle a long diatribe.  Who am I at work in 5 adjectives or less?”

“In 5 adjectives?  Hard working.  Decent.  Competent. Aloof.  Uncaring. “

“I’ll go with the first three.  But people really think I am aloof, and uncaring?  That is not who I am.”

“I know that now, Rick.  But how is anyone else supposed to know that?  I understand a guy in your position should not be best friends with the 90 people who work for him.

However, you have five department heads who only see you in your work mode.  That means we only see your tough, decisive business side.  The people who work closest to you should at least know a little more.  You have no relationships at all with us.

Again, I am not saying bring us into your closest social circles. But if you would give us a glimpse of the whole man, trust and loyalty will grow.”

“Alright Troy, I see your point.  I grew up in a company culture that said the leader can’t be buddies with his subordinates.  But, I can find some middle ground.  I can see why some would consider me aloof based on that.  But the one that stings is uncaring.”

Show You Care

“Sorry Rick.  But it doesn’t matter whether perceptions are accurate or not.  They become the truth.  Especially if we don’t really know that person.

People don’t think you care about anything but the bottom line.  We all know performance is paramount.  But, there is a human side to leadership, and you don’t show them that very often.”

“Specifics Troy.  If I don’t have specifics, I can’t make adjustments.”

“Alright.  I’ll just lay out a few that illustrate a pattern.  This pattern has established this perception of you.

Point #1

You walk past people in the office without engaging them except for a head nod.  You may be on your way to do something important.  But, that is how they see you 100% of the time.

Maybe if you paused and asked them about their day and their challenges, or if you asked them about their families or their aspirations, they would see that you care about them as much as you care about the numbers.

Point #2

At company functions and national meetings, you spend all your time with your peers or your superiors.  You seem to go to great lengths to separate yourself from us.

The only conversations you have with any of us at these functions have to do with business issues.  Whether this is intentional or not does not matter.  That is the perception.

Point #3

In June you told Bob he could not give Mary the week off because it was the last week of the quarter.  It was a sound business decision because that last week is when we book a lot of our sales.

But what you didn’t know realize was Mary’s husband had just been deployed to the Middle East.  Her mom was in the hospital and she had no body who could watch her kids.”

“Hell, Troy.  How am I supposed to know about Mary’s situation at my level unless Bob tells me?”

“That’s my point Rick!  Because of this pattern, the perception was you wouldn’t have cared.  Therefore, no one bothered to challenge your bad decision.”

Rick’s Last Word

“Well, when I get back to the office on I’m going to find Mary and apologize.”

“That’s not necessary, Rick.”

“Yes it is.  I want to begin to change these perceptions of me as aloof and uncaring, and I am going to start that ASAP.”

“I agree with changing things. But, you won’t win Mary back with an apology.”

“Why not?”

“She quit later that month.  She is now working for the company I am going to for 3 months now.”

“Oh.  I guess she’s the one who told you about the opportunity.”

“No, Rick.  She told the other three people who have left in the last 3 months.  They told me.”

“Oh.”

The Bottom Line:

They don’t care how much you know until they know how much your care.  A leader who does not let people get a glimpse of who she is outside of work or take the time to build relationships with her people will rarely keep good people around them.

The Distant Leader is an OxyMORONic Leader.  Yes. Leaders must keep a healthy distance from those they lead.  But, they don’t have to be distant.

I cannot be someone’s best friend and lead effectively.  But, I cannot be a stranger and lead effectively either.  Real leaders give people glimpses of who they are outside of work.  Real leaders let people know they care.

Aloof and uncaring are not adjectives that are used to describe a real leader.

Question:

What is an effective distance for a leader to keep?